Awards such as 40 Under 40 have been the good news, bad news, Logan’s Run of career recognition. The message to those late 30-somethings yet to have claimed a 200-word blurb in the local business publication is this: check your Palm Flower Crystal for blinking red to black. 

Recognized or not, those passing the age of 40 become “runners” forever wearing metaphorical gloves to avoid potential ageism in the recruiting game. Today, it is a daunting buyers’ market for available talent. High pandemic-related unemployment—partly fueled by opportunistic companies taking on restructuring—reveals an imperative need for quantifiable accomplishments as part of one’s job-seeking credentials. 

But, presenting more official recognition from peers is always of value. They are irrevocable professional references and endorsements. And so, with that, here are a few new awards. 

511 Under 5’11” Award 

I’m five-feet ten-inches tall, so there’s that. It’s not as an exclusive club as to what we are used to recognizing. However, it does eliminate from contention those who are talented and who rise to an ideal height of six-feet and one-inch tall. Level the playing field, I say. You can no longer block my view at a concert and take my professional recognition. 

Top 2 In Your Immediate Family Award

I’m one of my parents’ two children, so there’s that. Sure, it’s not optimal for the third child in a family unit of five. But losing builds character. There will be many other awards for this odd-sibling-out scenario. If it were me, I’d lobby my parents to have at least two more children, as a provision of this award is that there is one Honorable Mention added for every five children.

Bottom 10 In Your Neighborhood Award

I live in a quasi-affluent neighborhood, so there’s that. This award is not one that recognizes underachieving. Instead, it appreciates anyone trying to keep up appearances superficially or one who enjoys a relatively better-maintained community swimming pool. Plus, the word “Bottom” would be a real attention grabber on a LinkedIn profile, no?

500 Born on November 20, 1965

I was born on November 20, 1965, so there’s that. As for year specificity, eliminating Dick Smothers, Super Dave Osborne, and Joe Walsh from contention is a strategic matter, though Bo Derek gets an exception. Mike D of the Beastie Boys was born on this exact date, and so the additional 498 cushioning is just a precaution.

Top 111-11-1111 Whose Social Security Number Ends With a 5 Award

My Social Security Number Ends with a 5, so there’s that. “111-11-1111” is difficult to quantify, which should make me a shoo-in on a technicality. But this award isn’t engineered to include me. Think, for example, of all of the 111-11-1110 others.

Top 6 With 6 New Award Ideas

I have six new award ideas, so there’s that. The nominating deadline for this award was when you read this very award idea just now.

As job-seeking marketing materials go, these awards provide rich, branding loam. Universally recognized achievement badges for each on LinkedIn profiles or talent passport cards quickly identify the carrier as accomplished. I could use my talent passport to get into overbooked Michelin Star restaurants and get out of traffic violations. 

Peer recognition awards, of course, are often discounted somewhat by the commercialization of the campaigns’ platforms and sponsors; We get that.

But, as a recruiter, if you show me a resume that boasts the “2021 Bottom 10 In Your Neighborhood Award” and 28-percent gross revenues growth in each of the last eight quarters, I’ll show you a candidate with refined taste who has been working for the wrong company and should be making $2.4 million per year—with generous vacation time. 

And dental. 

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