October 28, 2020

Dear Hiring Manager:

Please accept my application for Vice President of Marketing for Livestrong. Yellow is one of my favorite colors. To me, it represents sunshine and happiness . . .

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October 30, 2020

Dear Ms. Toomey:

As Chief Marketing Officer for Peloton Bikes, I will focus on flipping negative consumer objections about the product. Daily Vitamin D supplements can replace one of the countless benefits of outdoor cycling. Should a video trainer be a little too enthusiastic during early morning workouts, there is a volume dial. I assume . . . 

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November 3, 2020

Dear Brad:

I can call you “Brad,” right? Relationships are my thing. You will find that as Communications Manager for Drive-By Personal Injury Attorneys, LLC, my personalized approach will increase billable hours as you are free to keep your eyes trained on the ambulance in front of you . . . 

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November 4, 2020

Dear Hiring Manager:

How about that election, huh? Who knew over 70,000,000 people could be so . . . 

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November 6, 2020

Dear Hiring Manager:

As a Chief Revenue Officer, I am skilled in product development and messaging diversification. For example, if—and just hear me out on this—if your PulsaGun therapy massager came with an assorted attachments kit, we could break free of the athletic training space and diversify our retail presence to hit a select niche market in the . . . 

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November 7, 2020

Dear Recruitment Director:

A 35-year-long career has led me to your company and its job posting for Director of Customer Engagement at Sullivan Medical Tech. I desire FINALLY to work for people smarter than I am. I am looking through your LinkedIn profile, however, and I have found . . .

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November 9, 2020

Dear Mr. Jones:

Please consider this as my application for the position of Assistant Lube Technician for the Glencoe, Kentucky, Tire Rack location, at the corner of Route 127 and Green St. Related, I once applied for a job at PulsaGun, makers of an under-diversified therapy massager, and I’m thinking . . . 

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November 9, 2020

Dear Mr. Truman:

I have jumped over the hiring protocols to reach your C-Suite office directly in hopes that I might demand your attention. As Executive Director of the Paraguayan Cashmere Sweater Company, my marketing skills will fleece the competition. LOL . . .   😉 . . .

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2020年11月11日

佐藤様:

佐藤エレクトロニクスのマーケティング部長に応募したいのですが。 私はその言語を話しませんが、3年以内に会話できることは知っています。 私は機知に富んでいます。 例として、私はかつてケンタッキー州のタイヤ店のオーナーを紹介しました。彼は、ハンドヘルドセラピーマッサージャーを販売している会社に潤滑技術者のための開口部を持っていました。 アイデアは彼らができるということでした 。 。 。

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November 12, 2020

Dear Hiring Manager:

If you are looking for someone to come in and just undo everything that the last person undid from the person before that person, I’m your guy. I get it, you are probably just making a change during a pandemic because you are bored. Boy, have I been there and I can tell you . . .

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