Today’s Facebook crash caused a personal activation of Plan B social media measures. These measures, I am told by me, were hastily prepared just after Facebook crashed today. 

By mid-morning, I hand-delivered 348 printed copies of three selfies and one photo of my dog Kimi Raikkonen to Monday morning workplace departmental meetings, homes, restaurant restroom stalls, coffee shops, and doctor’s office waiting rooms throughout the Las Vegas Valley. I mailed an additional 491 sets.

Research to aid in critical life decision-making will occur from 1:30 pm to 1:38 pm this afternoon in the tabloid section of the Walgreens nearest my house. 

Most of the day, I will wear a ski mask to block those who either perennially disagree with me or offer unwelcome comments to my ideas and thoughts; they’ve lost the right to see me. 

Twice later this evening, I will recite the late Norm Macdonald’s moth joke from atop the parking garage at Red Rock Resort in Summerlin. Times are to be determined—most likely when I get bored and crave credit for appreciating something I think is brilliant. 

Just before supper, Plan B calls for me physically crop old girlfriends out of photos with scissors because, I mean, it is a nice picture of me after all. It would be a pity for it not to be seen—regardless of that phantom forearm around my neck. 

And speaking of relationships past: Very, very late this evening, I will be doing several drive-by passes of darkened homes in which two or three exes may still live. Plan B is specific in its protocol: Use a rental or “burner car,” don’t park, and try to figure out whose car is in the driveway. 

The plan also calls for interruptions to drop into stores that specialize in items for which I have no interest. Vaping stores and Mattress City can expect me to walk in but immediately walk out again. Between stops, I will be daring people to repeat what I say as a way to shame them into endorsing my opinion. I bet they won’t! 

Later, I will tape printed copies of this blog on light posts around the neighborhood, and continually walk the streets counting the likes. If there are too few likes by noon tomorrow, I will remove the post because of embarrassment and wonder if I will ever write any meaningful thing of value. 

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