This Ice Ice Billy originally appeared in the Las Vegas Sun in 2014.
In October of 2011 Jeffrey Drew Wilschke legally changed his name to Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop. We know this because police arrested him Thursday in Madison, Wisconsin, on charges of carrying a concealed weapon, plus a couple of drug-related possession charges thrown in for good measure.
And we are thankful he is not a Las Vegas Wranglers player.
Zopittybop-Bop-Bop is simply too long a name for a uniform nameplate. It would make his player trading card nearly impossible to typeset and create a difficult arena public address announcement if he were part of a two-assist scoring play, which, according to hockey aesthetics, is read twice.
“Goal by number seven, Eric Lampe, with assists by number nine, Mike Madill, and number 142 Bezow Doo-Doo Zopitybop-Bop-Bop at 18:01 in the third period; that’s Lampe from Madill and Zopittybop-Bop-Bop at 18:01 in the third.”
But we certainly cannot be as grateful as the parents of Zippity Doo-Dah Zippity-Day, a 26-year-old woman who late in 2008 changed her name from Beth Annette Jones—or so I’ve hoped.
With Zopittybop-Bop-Bop recent arrest, a meeting between the two grows unlikely. Had these two fallen in love and were married by Cab Calloway, she would likely have hyphenated and would have become Zippity Doo-Dah Zippity-Day-Zopittybop-Bop-Bop.
Who wouldn’t love to see the faces of those down at the DMV when she tries to register her new Volkswagen?
It seems, though, that Miss Zippity-Day should be as grateful as Mr. and Mrs. Jones that she never met Zopittybop-Bop-Bop. It would be unrealistic for Zippity-Day to say, “Beezow Doo-Doo, dinner’s ready.” No, rather, she would most certainly have to arrive at a pet name.
Certainly, “Doo-Doo” is out, and “Zopitty” just seems a little too old-fashioned. So all that remains for Zippity Doo-Dah is “Bop” which will probably lead her to say, “Mmm Bop,” each time her man cooks a wonderful home-cooked meal or is particularly attentive during romantic interludes.
UrbanDictionary.com has a few definitions for some of the components in Zopittybop-Bop-Bop’s new name. But I’d like to think that his name change comes from an astute love of music, and this would make Zippity Doo-Dah’s constant utterances of “Mmm Bop” cause for Bop to wonder if Zippity Doo-Dah has an unhealthy obsession for Hanson.
Having searched the internet for the lyrics of David Lee Roth’s I’m Just a Gigolo, it seems Zopittybop-Bop-Bop could have gone with “Hummala-Bebhuhla Zeebuhla-Boobuhula.”
But that would have just been silly.